Wednesday, 10 November 2010


Could I just have one week where nothing breaks down or goes wrong???washing machine shorted the house out at 3am Tuesday. Had to unplug everything in the dark cause I didn't know it was the washing machine at that stage, then ring the neighbour as his dogs don't like ppl near their fenceline at any time let alone 3am. Then climb out a window to get to power box (easiest route with no lights) and switch house back on. With me working thurs/fri/sat the earliest the repairman can get to it is next Monday. It was mid load with work clothes, kids swimmers & schoolwear & the mans work uniform. Handwashed swimmers & chucked the rest in the bathtub, but got sidetracked by preteen not doing as asked, came back inside & thought wow sounds like a waterfall OH Shite!!! Bathtub overflowing onto bathroom floor. 6 towels later it's semi dry. Preteen not listening, late for swimming, get there boo has no goggles. Grrrrrrr Grrrr grrr!! Working extra days this week & next week which is good for the bank balance but extra pita when trying to get repairmen out, plus washing machine will eat a chunk of paypacket & car is making weird flashing on dash when first started, so guarantee it needs to visit the mechanic real soon (I told it that if it breaks down before then that I am walking away & leaving it there). In the next three weeks have six school things to attend or drop kids off to, booked in to do a 2day course, working 8 days & attending 2 bday parties with kids, so can't afford car to break down (work is 40mins @ avg 80km/hr away, walking is not an option). Oh yeah & have to deal with centrelink again :/ So please God, CeilingCat & any other entity, let me get through the next three weeks!!!

Saturday, 19 June 2010

So what do you do when ......????????????????????

Your man has a low libido and only goes to bed to snore?????????

Your man spends all day watching porn while you are at work and then pays no attention to you when you get home?????

Notices all the "chicks" at the gym in the distracting lycra but is embarassed to be seen with you at the gym cause you are a little overweight and he is now getting muscly and confident with his appearance???????

Wants you to be fit and lose weight, wear sexy clothes etc, but doesn't want to help or support you to do so???

Has a tonne of internet profiles and only one says "in a relationship", the rest say single, or nothing at all, none of them mention my name, none of them have a photo of us together or even just a pic of me with girlfriend or partner labelled on it????????

Spends all his time reading posts on a forum written by males who believe "alpha" means treating all women with disrespect, calling them bishes and ho's and picks up bad mannerisms and patterns of speech and even in his own words, needs to stay away from it, but keeps going back like an addiction???????????

Yet he helps out around the house even though it isnt his home, buys food when he knows i am having a tight financial week, helps out with my kids sometimes & late at night he has nightmares if I am not sleeping next to him.

What am I supposed to think or do??

I am sooo confused.

I love this man, I want to marry him. Even more, I want him to love me so much that he wants to marry me. That he has eyes for no other woman, let alone "chicks". That he is proud to be with me, to have me in his life and wants the world to know it.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Where do I belong?

I feel like I am living a kids story, and maybe I am. I often feel like I am the "ugly black duckling" and I keep waiting to turn into the beautiful swan & find that I do belong somewhere, that I fit in, am accepted.

Is it silly to think that being married makes you belong to another family? My own family (parents/siblings) barely recognise my existance, and while my boyfriends family seem to accept me, I always feel on the outside, cause even after 6 years and six months together, I am still just the girlfriend. His brother got married last year, his parents havent even met her yet (the brother and his wife live overseas), yet when family emails or facebook posts get sent, it seems she is automatically accepted because she married one of the family. Is it so wrong that I want this kind of belonging and acceptance too? And not just from the family, I want it from my boyfriend, I want to know that he accepts me for who i am and is proud to tell the world that by wanting me as his wife, not just as the invisible girlfriend that has never met any of his friends, isnt listed as being linked to him on anything, not even stupid facebook page.

I am only months of finishing my degree and hopefully will get a post graduate position in the hospital of my choice as a Registered Nurse. I will then BELONG to one of the oldest professions and I know there is a culture in itself as being a NURSE. I will be part of a worldwide group, a country, state and local group and also as part of the hospital group and even down to a single ward or speciality. I look forward to this as I have never had that sort of experience in a workplace before either and friends who are already working as RN's have told me about it. So at least professionally, I will belong somewhere.

But I crave the personal belonging. I hate being alone all the time. I try not to be jealous of others, but those people who can call on their parents or siblings for help, who go to family gatherings for special occasions, the ones who get to have things like baby showers or bridal showers ( i never had either of those) and get surprise parties or even just parties thrown for them on special birthdays etc. I want those things and cant have them.

I am actually dreading next april, as I will graduate then (lol graduation will happen 7 months after I actually finish my degree). I am going to be surrounded by other graduates with their families celebrating their acheivements, whilst I will be lucky if i have my boyfriend and my children there. Considering I wont be able to organise them and get them there (I will have to be there much earlier from what I have seen of friends graduations), it could very well just be me there, graduating with noone I know to see it, let alone take photos of me. I certainly wont have parents there, I am the first in the family to ever go to university, let alone graduate and my family couldnt give a passing thought about it, let alone care to attend my graduation ceremony.

I have been feeling very emotionally precious lately. Time seems to fly away from me and I fear that I will end up growing old by myself, I watch my father doing this as he has pushed away every member of family other than my grandmother (his mother) and I hate that I cant do anything to please him, nothing at all, I am never good enough. He doesnt like my boyfriend, when I tell him my good grades he comments that he wonders if i will complete this, seeing as i have never completed anything else as far as he is concerned (it never occurs to him that maybe the lack of supportive family since i was 9 years old may have something to do with this fact, or that I have raised two children without any family support counts as completing something?).

I am probably repeating things I have put in previous posts, but they are ongoing worries and fears. I dont know yet how to get past them. I will share the secrets when I learn them.

The end of this year brings many changes. I will finish uni, finish up my parttime work, hopefully have been offered and accepted a good post graduate position, have my house up for sale & sold at a good price and then be able to find a nice bit of land and build the home we want on that bit of land and start to live a more stable, secure life as our own little family unit. I still dont know if my boyfriend will be with us or not (he doesnt seem to be able to commit and one minute he seems interested and then the next he doesnt, who knows???) so all I can do is plan for me and two children. Would definitely make it easier if there were two adults and two incomes, but I cant guarantee that, so will just have to do the best i can with just me.

As usual, it will be me against the world. Maybe one day I will belong.......

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

My WOW Moment

My WOW moment! Had to share, sorry if it sounds like bragging, it is sort of, but not really, just had the most amazing experience. Have de-personalised info, so as not to be breaking privacy rights of the patient.

On a previous practicum placement in an Emergency Department assigned to an older RN who wasn't too happy to be lumped with a final year student RN, amongst doing a really wicked wound packing/dressing & other things, I picked up on a patient being not quite right. A lovely person who had been so bright and chirpy when I started my shift, was now lying scrunched up, apparently sleeping, but it just didnt feel right, couldnt explain why, it just didnt.

So seeing as I could, I did the most obvious thing to me, I stood there while they appeared to sleep (and everyone else had thought they were sleeping) and counted the respirations (how many times their chest rose/fall for a full minute). Now the average adult breaths about 12 - 18 times a minute, generally closer to 12 when lying down in a bed, and this tiny little adult person was breathing 31+ breaths per minute - first alarm bell!!! & I could see some tracheal tugging, just faintly, but there - second alarm bell!!!.

So I checked oxygen sats and they were 88%- third alarm bell!! (you need to be above 95%, preferably closer to 100% ). So put oxygen on and sat person up a bit more in the bed, got another pillow to help prop person up a bit better, and person told me inbetween their lungs was hurting and so was their back - 4th alarm bell!!!.

So I put 2 and 2 together and instead of getting 4, I got a window of clarity!! All that study paid off!

So talking to the other RN I was attached to (being still a student myself I am limited to what I can do without supervision, but this RN didn't mind having me in her space or bugging her to come do something), I said I wanted to do an ECG, was told patient had had one earlier thatmorning, but yes go do one for practice, will be a good learning tool. So I do the ECG, and dig out the earlier one, and go show the RN, cause my patient wasnt just a good learning tool, they had just had a very obvious infarct!!! (my window of clarity). So then i go get the doctor involved, and now the doctor is talking to me like I am a very important person, rather than just another student.

Then I get to use the brand new, noone ever used it before, new monitoring equipment, and modify it to suit my patient, and by then the patients designated RN (the one who isn't so happy to be lumped with me and is now even less happy about it) is back, only to find out all of this has happened and all this stuff has and is being done by the student, so I spent the rest of the day doing obs on this patient every half an hour, doing all the documentation (there is lots of that!!), the doctor kept coming to me to ask for information and to get things done for the patient (some of which I cant do yet as a student, so then I had to go round up the RN - total role reversal there lol and no RN likes it when the student is doing their job better than they are!!). In the end the patient, who before I counted her resps was being readied for discharge, ended up being admitted to the HDU instead, so I got to do all the admission and ward transfer paperwork as well (paperwork is endless, good thing I don't mind it too much lol).

Oh yeah and somewhere in there i got to do other stuff for other patients as well.

At the end of the day I got praised by the RN infront of the afternoon staff, thanked by three staff members, had two doctors talking to me as if I was an equal, and then praised by my clinical teacher (who was informed by the doctor!! about her wonderful student) at debriefing, who told the other students infront of me (and I am not good at accepting public praise) saved a patients life today. Then the other nursing student staying here in the accommodation told the med students how I saved a life today.

Yet at the time it didnt seem such a big deal, i was just doing what needed to be done. It was just so obvious to me, like second nature (which it isnt, most of the time I feel like I am a bumbling fool learning my way around in a new and strange world). So I was feeling a little dazed when clinical teacher and the other student were making a fuss over me.

So after a celebratory meal with the other nursing student, and a small celebratory drink (i dont drink beer, so I had some Green Ginger Wine - Stones of course), I am sitting here doing my daily "reflective practice log" thinking WOW I DID THAT!! BY MYSELF!!! I may very well have saved that persons life.

Considering my career path its pretty certain this is the first of many, but WOW!!!!!


Wow life gets so busy that even though I write wonderful blog posts in my head while I am pretending to sleep at night, or while I am sitting at one of my children's extra curricular activities, I never actually get on here to blog it.

I am a walking ball of stress lately, assignments, practicum placements, getting a preteen ASD child accepted into a high school for next year, trying to work out where I want a post graduate year before I need to put in the applications to the dept of health, trying to work out where I am going to go when I move out of this house, facing the fears that it isn't all planned and in front of me - very scary indeed!

My man seems to have become more settled, mature maybe, focused and committed even and this is helping as I am feeling a bit safer there, but in four or five months time i am going to be uprooting my entire family out of the house I own, to clean it up and sell it, but I don't know yet WHERE we are moving too, so this is not going to help any feeling of security.

Why is it that some people seem to have such simple easy lives, no matter what they do they never seem to have stress? They don't have partners walk out on them, they seem to have the perfect life, families that are supportive no matter what they do, good jobs that are never unstable or uncertain???

I want that life, but its not possible, for starters I don't have the supportive family, even though I have 2 brothers, 2 sisters, a father and a mother, I really don't have any family at all.

My mother might as well be dead for all the interaction I have had with her in the last 20 years, in fact as far as she is concerned, I am dead. One of my sisters moved to the other end of the country to get away from everyone (didn't work very well, my mother learnt how to get to the airport and fly cross country, which means her plane flies right over my house, yet she has never been here and never will by her own choice anyway). My other sister is the baby of the family and in her early twenties and still acting like a spoilt three year old. I had hope that she might grow out of the foot stamping and tantrums, but from what I am told, its still happening.

My brothers, well I love them both, but they are still at home, still haven't ever had to look after themselves let alone anyone else, so they never think about anyone but themselves, they work, sleep, eat & play computer games. I keep hoping that they will meet a nice girl and move out of home and settle down to adult life, but as they get closer and closer to being 30, the chances are getting slimmer. At least I get to see one of them every now and then, when I travel interstate and arrange to see him, it never happens the other way around. This is a pity as he would make such a great uncle, but my kids only get to see him once or twice a year and only when he is at work or occasionally has the time to come see a movie with us while we are visiting him.

And then there is my father. I used to be angry at the way he treated me, but all I feel is sorrow and pity for him now. He is determined to die a lonely old man. He will turn 60 on Saturday and will spend the day by himself, away on yet another business trip! He has a wife and three daughters, a sister, a mother and a granddaughter, but he HATES WOMEN! The only one he goes out of his way to see or speak to is his mother, who is 89 and has the early stages of dementia happening, the rest of us he has driven away. I keep trying every now and then, but I cant force him to like me or want to see me. Of all his children, and all of his family, I am the very first to ever go to university, and this year I will complete my degree, so I will be the most qualified member of the family, but even this isn't good enough. Out of all my grades, I currently have 9 distinctions, 5 credits & a single Pass (of the gradeable units), so not a bad effort considering I also have children to take care of, paid employment to attend too and all the other things a mother has to do, yet I still cant even get my father to acknowledge I have done something with my life.

So, the only family I have that I can count on are my children, currently aged 9 and 12.  My aunty is wonderful, but she is busy and has her own life and she lives 3 hours away, so we don't get to see her regularly either, but when we do, she is like a grandmother to my children, spoiling them & making them feel wanted and loved, which is good considering my own mother doesn't even acknowledge their existence.

Other than my children, there is my partner, yet I am reluctant to rely on him, I am still fearful of the past and this is going to take time to change the insecurities, especially when those insecurities get thrown in my face when I see or hear a certain persons name. I still feel like crawling into a hole, curling up in a ball and dieing every time he mentions her or looks at her web pages. Its been two years next month, but it still hurts like hell and has me waking up shaking in cold sweats from the nightmares. I do trust him, but I don't know how to let go of the fear and insecurity. It isn't as bad as it was, it is slowly fading, but I often wonder if it will ever fully go away. I was too trusting back then, was completely secure and happy and then everything shattered around me and I don't know how to get back to that feeling of secure and happy. I get close and then she crops up in the computers history or gets mentioned for some reason and the nightmares and the doubts and fears start again. I wonder if this is normal, then I see and read about other females who have had similar situations and a lot of them are far worse off than me. Most of them never get their partner back, so I guess I am lucky, mine didn't wander too far and didn't physically cheat on me, but I still felt very betrayed and hurt, and that is what took so long to heal. This is something only I can change or deal with though.

And all of the above is why I am so scared of not knowing what is going to happen next, where I am going to and what I am going to do. Cause it all falls down to me being in charge, I don't have anyone to share that burden with. I am old fashioned and believe in marriage, but even that is not a certainty or a guarantee that it will work. Let alone my partner not only doesn't believe in marriage, he is dead set against it. So as much as I might dream, it isn't going to happen. I will be lucky if he ever even admits I am his partner. In six years, he has met a lot of my friends (only ones he hasn't met are the ones I haven't physically seen in those years, like my beautiful friend who moved back to Egypt). The only friend of my partners I have ever met is the one girl mentioned above, because I needed to see her face to face to deal with my demons. I have been back to his hometown with him several times, but he never visits anyone. I am in his friends list on facebook (finally, only took 5 years) but there is no link saying I am anything but a random friend. I don't even have a single bit of jewellery that I can look at and say "he gave me that". I still have no idea why that is important to me, it just is and as he hates jewellery (something to do with the fat cats making money off silly females that like shiny things), well it's pretty much a given that I will never get a piece of jewellery from him. I guess I cling to the idea of marriage because it is a public form of commitment and I am still a scared little girl who fears being alone. I probably should have been of marriageable age in the fifties, what I crave seems to be of no importance to men or society in general in this day and age.

So now I have to try and plan for at least the next 12 months, without knowing where I will be, if I will have a post graduate placement, or if I will have to hunt for suitable employment without the safety barrier of a post graduate year (extra support and learning packages etc but only a limited number of local placements available each year). Add to this moving out of my home. My eldest starting high school (and all the fears that go with that, especially as he needs the extra security and help and moving house isn't going to be helping all that). I pray that he will be accepted into the school we want, as he will have friends there, and they provide extra help and support and can offer him so many opportunities that just aren't available at other schools.

My poor Boo is always left out, I feel guilty that most of my worry goes to my Moo. I don't worry so much about Boo as she is so independent and capable, just like I was at her age, although I was more mature then because I had to be as eldest child, whereas she is the baby, but I am happy she doesn't have to have the responsibilities I had back then, she gets more of a chance to have a normal child hood. She will succeed no matter what, she is too stubborn to do otherwise. Today she is sitting Naplan tests for reading and comprehension for year 3. She tells me this morning at the school gate that she will do well as she is aiming to beat her brothers marks. I tell her this wont be hard to achieve cause he never even sat the year 3 Naplan testing (seeing as the school he was at back then didn't think he could read at all, they simply didn't include him in the testing, stupid school considering he was reading at tertiary level, he just didn't find their books interesting enough to read to them). However I think my Boo is trying to beat his year 5 NAPLAN scores, which he tested at above year 7 level for reading and poor Boo is slightly dyslexic, so I am not sure its possible for her to test that high in year 3. However with her determination, by the time she sits the year 5 tests, I wont be the slightest bit surprised when she tests higher out of pure stubbornness!!! I know I wont have to worry about her being accepted to any high school, all her report cards talk about her willingness, her extraordinary effort, her wonderful personality, her compliance with every request the teacher makes, how she helps other students. She is never the top of the class in grades, but she is never far behind and her effort makes up for that fact (unlike Moo who can be the top of the grades without any effort but half the time doesn't try at all and it shows).

OK blog, well that's enough insecurities and fears and hopes and random ravings for now. I still have an assignment to write, kids to collect from the bus stop, extra curricular activities to attend to and plenty of housework (never ending!) that needs to be done.

I will try to get on here more often and write something witty and cheerful for a change lol. I am always surprised anyone reads what I write (most especially my anonymous reader who comments that he/she/it doesn't like my writing style, so I have no idea why they read it, considering its my blog I don't really have to conform to any style, there are no rules involved!)

Thank you blog for letting me get this out of my head, its like a form of counselling, without having to tell this all to a counsellor, or even open my mouth. Actually its better than counselling, cause I don't have to explain what I mean if I don't want too (or simply can't).