Everything I have learnt in life was learnt the hard way, making mistakes, facing consequences, sometimes having to make multiple mistakes of similar nature to learn that they all end with the same set of consequences. I keep wondering when I will get to be able to learn and do things the easy way.
Well now I am wondering if I am going to yet again learn the hard way.
You see tonight, well I gave the man I love a letter, telling him a lot of the things that I cant voice aloud, or things that I did voice that he seems to have not heard or dismissed as me being dramatic. I told him exactly what I wanted and asked him to go spend some time away from me and to work out what it is that he wants now and for the next ten or twenty years (at least). I also put a somewhat of a demand in there, he HAS to make a decision and tell me what it is.
So if I have made a mistake then I may just have ended my relationship with the only man I have ever loved so much that it physically hurts when he isn't here or we have an argument.
If I haven't made that mistake then maybe he will finally make a decision and I wont have to live in limbo while I wait, teetering between two extremes - fearing he will find something better and just walk out or hoping he will realise that our relationship is worth it and that while his parents and my parents may have stuffed up their marriages, that not all marriages equal doom.
See the biggest problem is that I crave the security of knowing that he is committed to us, he fears any form of commitment, most especially anything related to marriage.
I have been married once before (one of my learnt the hard way lessons). The man I love had never had a relationship last even six months, until he met me. Last year after 5 and a bit years together, he walked out, well not physically at first (its long and complicated, like everything else in my life – add sarcastic yet sad lol) and then after months of angst and pain, including him moving temporarily to his mothers place and then into a granny flat, he realised it was me that he wanted after all (long story, but he was/is suffering depression, and had never had to look after himself for more than a few days, so didn't realise what he had until he threw it away). Anyway, since valentines day we have been back together, not officially for a bit, but slowly working on it and doing ok for the most part.
There are still issues that plague us and that commitment thing is the crux of it, because it seems to be linked to his depression, and because the fear of not knowing, the living in limbo, makes me a walking emotional hormonal mess.
Oh and just to add to the list of problems, because of the depression, he has a lower libido than me (very backwards there, I was always sure it was the male that was supposed to want sex ten times a day, not the female), and because he works long hours in a physically demanding job, then spends 2 to 3 hours an evening punishing himself in the gym (yes he does look good with muscles and it makes him feel better about himself), he is too tired to be interested in anything else on a regular or even semi regular basis, making me a very edgy and unhappy girl, who just wants to know she is wanted and needed and loved by the only man she has eyes for.
So apparently I am weird, not only do I have the unusually high libido, I also would happily go live in the fifties, where the men did the men things and the women did the women's things and there was very clear defined roles.
At the moment in my house I am the breadwinner/homemaker/housecleaner/mother/father/wife/husband/accountant/teacher and just to add to the stress, I am also the student. I juggle the housecleaning with finishing my degree, I am rebuilding broken bits of my house, can replumb my own taps or toilet, paint, plaster, tile. I CAN do lawn work and own a brushcutter and good mower, yet I DONT WANT to do the lawns or maintain the garden, I want to just enjoy them, the same way that most men DONT WANT to clean the house or do the dishes, they just want to relax and enjoy a friendly, warm, inviting house and eat good food served on clean dishware.
I want a husband!! I want a partner, one who will share the providing of income. I am getting a degree in nursing and do plan to work as a nurse, I have no problem with working plus keeping a house and mothering, I just want to share the load so that I don't have to be both sides/halves of everything. I thought that wasn't too unreasonable a request. I want someone who will be there for me, I don't have family to do that for me, other than my beautiful kids, so surely its not much to ask for a man who will try to remember my birthday, Christmas, an anniversary (once a year, I don't mind if its not the exact date, or the right day, wrong month, don't care, just once a year do something special) and be there for special things, like when i fuck up an assignment, or pass a stressful exam, or drive me to said exam because I am a basket case that hasn't slept for a week while studying madly! I want help raising my kids, I can make all the decisions, set punishments, decide rewards, do homework etc, but someone to be there as a backup if I have to go away (pracs are good for that), someone to stand with me when I am standing up to a teenager pushing the boundaries. These are the sorts of things I want.
I also want to have a shared dream/goal. We used to have that, but then all of a sudden (well it was sudden for me, he didn't tell me things had changed until well after), that shared dream/goal was gone. Now I have future plans, but they are vague, I am working towards them, but without knowing if its just me or if their will be an “us”, I find it hard to make them more clear.
The kids and I want to live on a property. I always wanted 100 acres, but now that I am restricted to within 30 minutes of my current residence (due to kids schooling, as well as most of my friends are here, and my mans work and mother are here as well), I find myself looking at properties that are well and truly over inflated in value (two hours west of here 100 acres with no house would be anywhere from $65,000 - $200,000. Here the same bit of land is worth $1,200,000!!). So, I am willing to settle for as small as 10 acres if I really must, just to get out of suburbia (and away from the neighbours from hell, whose favourite pastime is bashing and terrorising white females/children or breaking and entering houses and cars). I want a NEWLY built shed home (after 11 years of fixing things on my 40 odd year old ex housing commission home), and I want a veggie garden and some chooks, horses, goats and a cow or two, as well as my existing dog (aussie cattle dog) and my two cats.
Now I can probably get enough of a loan (once current house is sold) once I am working fulltime as an RN, for a small parcel of land and the basic shed home. But I cant see how I can maintain such a property and work fulltime, when I already have trouble maintaining my current quarter acre while studying and working part time.
So, I at least have an idea of where I am trying to head, what I am working towards and roughly what I need to do to achieve this, but I have no idea what my man wants, mainly because he either doesn't know or doesn't want to admit it or tell me.
So in telling the man I love that I want all of the above, and that I want him as a 100% partner, committed, in the role of husband if he cant face actual marriage (its really just a bit of paper) and role of parent (he is already partly been in that role for years, no real change there, other than admitting it to himself) and that I want him to work out what he wants so we can try to make a shared future. I may have just chased him away, or I may have done the right thing and he might actually face some fears and it might work out.
But right now, I am alone (i did ask him for time out, so that i can get some stuff done that i have been putting off but need done before my next prac which is in three weeks time), I need him to hug me and tell me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, and I am terrified that he will misunderstand me and end it, or that he wont be ready to make a commitment and end it because of whatever reason.
So now I am even more fearful, hopeful, terrified and wondering if I have yet again fucked up something good. Except this relationship, it isn't just good, its special, fantastic, everything, and I am afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, living in regret.
Ok well I had to tell someone, thanks for reading if you made it this far.