Wednesday, 12 May 2010


Wow life gets so busy that even though I write wonderful blog posts in my head while I am pretending to sleep at night, or while I am sitting at one of my children's extra curricular activities, I never actually get on here to blog it.

I am a walking ball of stress lately, assignments, practicum placements, getting a preteen ASD child accepted into a high school for next year, trying to work out where I want a post graduate year before I need to put in the applications to the dept of health, trying to work out where I am going to go when I move out of this house, facing the fears that it isn't all planned and in front of me - very scary indeed!

My man seems to have become more settled, mature maybe, focused and committed even and this is helping as I am feeling a bit safer there, but in four or five months time i am going to be uprooting my entire family out of the house I own, to clean it up and sell it, but I don't know yet WHERE we are moving too, so this is not going to help any feeling of security.

Why is it that some people seem to have such simple easy lives, no matter what they do they never seem to have stress? They don't have partners walk out on them, they seem to have the perfect life, families that are supportive no matter what they do, good jobs that are never unstable or uncertain???

I want that life, but its not possible, for starters I don't have the supportive family, even though I have 2 brothers, 2 sisters, a father and a mother, I really don't have any family at all.

My mother might as well be dead for all the interaction I have had with her in the last 20 years, in fact as far as she is concerned, I am dead. One of my sisters moved to the other end of the country to get away from everyone (didn't work very well, my mother learnt how to get to the airport and fly cross country, which means her plane flies right over my house, yet she has never been here and never will by her own choice anyway). My other sister is the baby of the family and in her early twenties and still acting like a spoilt three year old. I had hope that she might grow out of the foot stamping and tantrums, but from what I am told, its still happening.

My brothers, well I love them both, but they are still at home, still haven't ever had to look after themselves let alone anyone else, so they never think about anyone but themselves, they work, sleep, eat & play computer games. I keep hoping that they will meet a nice girl and move out of home and settle down to adult life, but as they get closer and closer to being 30, the chances are getting slimmer. At least I get to see one of them every now and then, when I travel interstate and arrange to see him, it never happens the other way around. This is a pity as he would make such a great uncle, but my kids only get to see him once or twice a year and only when he is at work or occasionally has the time to come see a movie with us while we are visiting him.

And then there is my father. I used to be angry at the way he treated me, but all I feel is sorrow and pity for him now. He is determined to die a lonely old man. He will turn 60 on Saturday and will spend the day by himself, away on yet another business trip! He has a wife and three daughters, a sister, a mother and a granddaughter, but he HATES WOMEN! The only one he goes out of his way to see or speak to is his mother, who is 89 and has the early stages of dementia happening, the rest of us he has driven away. I keep trying every now and then, but I cant force him to like me or want to see me. Of all his children, and all of his family, I am the very first to ever go to university, and this year I will complete my degree, so I will be the most qualified member of the family, but even this isn't good enough. Out of all my grades, I currently have 9 distinctions, 5 credits & a single Pass (of the gradeable units), so not a bad effort considering I also have children to take care of, paid employment to attend too and all the other things a mother has to do, yet I still cant even get my father to acknowledge I have done something with my life.

So, the only family I have that I can count on are my children, currently aged 9 and 12.  My aunty is wonderful, but she is busy and has her own life and she lives 3 hours away, so we don't get to see her regularly either, but when we do, she is like a grandmother to my children, spoiling them & making them feel wanted and loved, which is good considering my own mother doesn't even acknowledge their existence.

Other than my children, there is my partner, yet I am reluctant to rely on him, I am still fearful of the past and this is going to take time to change the insecurities, especially when those insecurities get thrown in my face when I see or hear a certain persons name. I still feel like crawling into a hole, curling up in a ball and dieing every time he mentions her or looks at her web pages. Its been two years next month, but it still hurts like hell and has me waking up shaking in cold sweats from the nightmares. I do trust him, but I don't know how to let go of the fear and insecurity. It isn't as bad as it was, it is slowly fading, but I often wonder if it will ever fully go away. I was too trusting back then, was completely secure and happy and then everything shattered around me and I don't know how to get back to that feeling of secure and happy. I get close and then she crops up in the computers history or gets mentioned for some reason and the nightmares and the doubts and fears start again. I wonder if this is normal, then I see and read about other females who have had similar situations and a lot of them are far worse off than me. Most of them never get their partner back, so I guess I am lucky, mine didn't wander too far and didn't physically cheat on me, but I still felt very betrayed and hurt, and that is what took so long to heal. This is something only I can change or deal with though.

And all of the above is why I am so scared of not knowing what is going to happen next, where I am going to and what I am going to do. Cause it all falls down to me being in charge, I don't have anyone to share that burden with. I am old fashioned and believe in marriage, but even that is not a certainty or a guarantee that it will work. Let alone my partner not only doesn't believe in marriage, he is dead set against it. So as much as I might dream, it isn't going to happen. I will be lucky if he ever even admits I am his partner. In six years, he has met a lot of my friends (only ones he hasn't met are the ones I haven't physically seen in those years, like my beautiful friend who moved back to Egypt). The only friend of my partners I have ever met is the one girl mentioned above, because I needed to see her face to face to deal with my demons. I have been back to his hometown with him several times, but he never visits anyone. I am in his friends list on facebook (finally, only took 5 years) but there is no link saying I am anything but a random friend. I don't even have a single bit of jewellery that I can look at and say "he gave me that". I still have no idea why that is important to me, it just is and as he hates jewellery (something to do with the fat cats making money off silly females that like shiny things), well it's pretty much a given that I will never get a piece of jewellery from him. I guess I cling to the idea of marriage because it is a public form of commitment and I am still a scared little girl who fears being alone. I probably should have been of marriageable age in the fifties, what I crave seems to be of no importance to men or society in general in this day and age.

So now I have to try and plan for at least the next 12 months, without knowing where I will be, if I will have a post graduate placement, or if I will have to hunt for suitable employment without the safety barrier of a post graduate year (extra support and learning packages etc but only a limited number of local placements available each year). Add to this moving out of my home. My eldest starting high school (and all the fears that go with that, especially as he needs the extra security and help and moving house isn't going to be helping all that). I pray that he will be accepted into the school we want, as he will have friends there, and they provide extra help and support and can offer him so many opportunities that just aren't available at other schools.

My poor Boo is always left out, I feel guilty that most of my worry goes to my Moo. I don't worry so much about Boo as she is so independent and capable, just like I was at her age, although I was more mature then because I had to be as eldest child, whereas she is the baby, but I am happy she doesn't have to have the responsibilities I had back then, she gets more of a chance to have a normal child hood. She will succeed no matter what, she is too stubborn to do otherwise. Today she is sitting Naplan tests for reading and comprehension for year 3. She tells me this morning at the school gate that she will do well as she is aiming to beat her brothers marks. I tell her this wont be hard to achieve cause he never even sat the year 3 Naplan testing (seeing as the school he was at back then didn't think he could read at all, they simply didn't include him in the testing, stupid school considering he was reading at tertiary level, he just didn't find their books interesting enough to read to them). However I think my Boo is trying to beat his year 5 NAPLAN scores, which he tested at above year 7 level for reading and poor Boo is slightly dyslexic, so I am not sure its possible for her to test that high in year 3. However with her determination, by the time she sits the year 5 tests, I wont be the slightest bit surprised when she tests higher out of pure stubbornness!!! I know I wont have to worry about her being accepted to any high school, all her report cards talk about her willingness, her extraordinary effort, her wonderful personality, her compliance with every request the teacher makes, how she helps other students. She is never the top of the class in grades, but she is never far behind and her effort makes up for that fact (unlike Moo who can be the top of the grades without any effort but half the time doesn't try at all and it shows).

OK blog, well that's enough insecurities and fears and hopes and random ravings for now. I still have an assignment to write, kids to collect from the bus stop, extra curricular activities to attend to and plenty of housework (never ending!) that needs to be done.

I will try to get on here more often and write something witty and cheerful for a change lol. I am always surprised anyone reads what I write (most especially my anonymous reader who comments that he/she/it doesn't like my writing style, so I have no idea why they read it, considering its my blog I don't really have to conform to any style, there are no rules involved!)

Thank you blog for letting me get this out of my head, its like a form of counselling, without having to tell this all to a counsellor, or even open my mouth. Actually its better than counselling, cause I don't have to explain what I mean if I don't want too (or simply can't).


No comments: