I feel like I am living a kids story, and maybe I am. I often feel like I am the "ugly black duckling" and I keep waiting to turn into the beautiful swan & find that I do belong somewhere, that I fit in, am accepted.
Is it silly to think that being married makes you belong to another family? My own family (parents/siblings) barely recognise my existance, and while my boyfriends family seem to accept me, I always feel on the outside, cause even after 6 years and six months together, I am still just the girlfriend. His brother got married last year, his parents havent even met her yet (the brother and his wife live overseas), yet when family emails or facebook posts get sent, it seems she is automatically accepted because she married one of the family. Is it so wrong that I want this kind of belonging and acceptance too? And not just from the family, I want it from my boyfriend, I want to know that he accepts me for who i am and is proud to tell the world that by wanting me as his wife, not just as the invisible girlfriend that has never met any of his friends, isnt listed as being linked to him on anything, not even stupid facebook page.
I am only months of finishing my degree and hopefully will get a post graduate position in the hospital of my choice as a Registered Nurse. I will then BELONG to one of the oldest professions and I know there is a culture in itself as being a NURSE. I will be part of a worldwide group, a country, state and local group and also as part of the hospital group and even down to a single ward or speciality. I look forward to this as I have never had that sort of experience in a workplace before either and friends who are already working as RN's have told me about it. So at least professionally, I will belong somewhere.
But I crave the personal belonging. I hate being alone all the time. I try not to be jealous of others, but those people who can call on their parents or siblings for help, who go to family gatherings for special occasions, the ones who get to have things like baby showers or bridal showers ( i never had either of those) and get surprise parties or even just parties thrown for them on special birthdays etc. I want those things and cant have them.
I am actually dreading next april, as I will graduate then (lol graduation will happen 7 months after I actually finish my degree). I am going to be surrounded by other graduates with their families celebrating their acheivements, whilst I will be lucky if i have my boyfriend and my children there. Considering I wont be able to organise them and get them there (I will have to be there much earlier from what I have seen of friends graduations), it could very well just be me there, graduating with noone I know to see it, let alone take photos of me. I certainly wont have parents there, I am the first in the family to ever go to university, let alone graduate and my family couldnt give a passing thought about it, let alone care to attend my graduation ceremony.
I have been feeling very emotionally precious lately. Time seems to fly away from me and I fear that I will end up growing old by myself, I watch my father doing this as he has pushed away every member of family other than my grandmother (his mother) and I hate that I cant do anything to please him, nothing at all, I am never good enough. He doesnt like my boyfriend, when I tell him my good grades he comments that he wonders if i will complete this, seeing as i have never completed anything else as far as he is concerned (it never occurs to him that maybe the lack of supportive family since i was 9 years old may have something to do with this fact, or that I have raised two children without any family support counts as completing something?).
I am probably repeating things I have put in previous posts, but they are ongoing worries and fears. I dont know yet how to get past them. I will share the secrets when I learn them.
The end of this year brings many changes. I will finish uni, finish up my parttime work, hopefully have been offered and accepted a good post graduate position, have my house up for sale & sold at a good price and then be able to find a nice bit of land and build the home we want on that bit of land and start to live a more stable, secure life as our own little family unit. I still dont know if my boyfriend will be with us or not (he doesnt seem to be able to commit and one minute he seems interested and then the next he doesnt, who knows???) so all I can do is plan for me and two children. Would definitely make it easier if there were two adults and two incomes, but I cant guarantee that, so will just have to do the best i can with just me.
As usual, it will be me against the world. Maybe one day I will belong.......